my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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