Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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