I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
