he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
