I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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