She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
