I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
