I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
