So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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