I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
