Too much gin, very little bucket
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
