Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
me + whiskey = a bad person
We are all done wearing pants today
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
