I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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