you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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