I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
