When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
