Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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