Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm both gender and math confused
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