i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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