Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he shaved USA in his pubs
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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