I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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