If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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