any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just invented taco cereal.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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