i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
