I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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