she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
