Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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