I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
