I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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