Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
