Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
