If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I could make wine with my vomit
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
