life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
