Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
