Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
