Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize