I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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