I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
