He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
