How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
