Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
