I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
