He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
