I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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