I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
