Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
