We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
