The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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