I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
