she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
