I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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