i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
