What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
